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300,000GBP research into whether or not ducks acually like getting wet

Before I begin to pull this apart with my usual finesse and unbiased analysis, I should point out that this research, commissioned by DEFRA was not just out of idle curiosity. Defra assures us that the research was carried out for the benefit of animal welfare. Thank you, Defra. We'll come back to this shortly.

God provideth the duck with water and God provideth waterproof feathers. He demandeth not that the duck shall swim and He asketh not if the duck minds getting wet. This is because God is apparently omniscient and wise and, when one is omniscient and wise one can observe that ducks spend rather a lot of time swimming around even when there is dry land to lounge on and they don't run for cover when it rains and quite confidently conclude that ducks don't mind getting wet.

But Defra are not God, however much they'd like to be. Therefore, they have to spend 300,000GBP of taxpayers' money to ensure that the poor little blighters aren't being forced to endure wet conditions against their will.

How did the research establish duck preferences? By observing the choices made when presented with a tank of water to swim in and showers to stand under. We have been observing ducks making these very choices in the wild for thousands of years. If this is not evident of duck preferences, how is the Defra study different? Did they have Dr. Dolittle with a clipboard and a list of consumer research questions?

"You like swimming then?"

"Yep"

"Do you mind getting wet?"

"Nope"

Apparently, ducks preferred to stand under the shower than swim in the tank according to the Defra study. I don't see ducks getting out of the pond when it rains in the wild so this might raise questions regarding the accuracy of the research. Did the tank contain tap water with all the chemicals introduced into our water systems to maintain drinkability? Did the showers flush out any build-up of residues? The disturbing thing is that the sample ducks showed a preference that is not apparent in the wild. What if the possibly flawed research had concluded that ducks don't like getting wet?

Let's come back to Defra's "animal welfare" explanation. Would the money have been better spent researching into whether or not chickens mind being forced to live their entire lives in hellish conditions so cramped that many never develop the use of their legs?

I think we can be sure of one thing: if our government has spent 300,000GBP, it is not for the benefits of animal welfare; it is for the benefits of industry. The true nature of this research may yet become apparent. Watch out for the 2.99 supermarket duck.